“Yay, it’s Tax Day, or for 70 million households, Tuesday, because for them they pay no federal income tax, so they’re left wondering why everyone’s at the post office, sweating through their shirts,” Greg Gutfeld said in his monologue on “The Five.”

“This is how dependence works – big government is grand if you don’t feel its hand,” he said, wondering how people like Sen. Harry Reid would thrive without taxes.

“Useless in productive society, hucksters rely on us as their welfare. Reid and his ilk look at America and see millions of wallets and purses, ready to be picked to perpetuate their power,” he said.

“See, my theory of government is really simple. It’s all about the street. Government should keep things off the street – thugs, the insane, invading armies – and keep things on the street – like cement and lamp posts. Everything else, we can handle, which is why I'm bummed that 110 days of my salary goes directly into the mouth of a blob that turns my efforts into useless poop.”

Gutfeld said that the IRS targets conservative groups while billions in taxes go unpaid by federal employees.

“It’s you who has to worry,” he said. “The cost of ticking them off? Jail time. That’s April 15 for you.”

Watch his monologue above.


ICYMI: Watch past monologues from 'The Five':

‘A Propaganda Victory for Those Who Hate Us’: Gutfeld Blasts New Movie ‘Non-Stop’

Gender Theory ‘Replacing Loneliness With Rage’: Gutfeld Takes on Kirsten Dunst’s Feminist Critics